I found this in a journal I wrote a year ago. It’s all angst, and self hate, and cliché depressed people stuff, but it’s real. It’s where I was at, and, honestly, I’m not doing THAT much better yet, but a lot has changed in the past year.
I know things are getting bad when this is my free-write:
I put on a selection of my most valuable jewelry, inherited from those classically stoic female relatives I know only from faded photos. I moved the diamonds in the light as I sat in the corner of the cozily crowded coffee shop.
I find small joy in watching the tiny worlds of dancing rainbows skip from the backs of my fingers. I’m sure I look like a child festooned in her mother’s jewels, the finery juxtaposed strangely against my otherwise drab clothing.
I had rings on 6 fingers; gold, white gold, platinum; sapphires, pearls, and diamonds. An ornate silver chain and pendant hung from my neck, falling gently in the hollow below my breasts.
I neglected earrings, not because I didn’t have them, but because putting them on required looking into a mirror. I didn’t have the stomach to face myself in the mirror; I couldn’t stand seeing such searing hatred reflected back at me.
There is no amount of jewelry with which I might adorn myself that can bestow value upon my person. My body feels pale and faded behind the ostentatious metals and stones.
What unhappy accident led someone as wretched as me into a life of worldly privilege? There are innumerable people who could have done so much good with the wealth and position I have squandered.
I even despise my engagement in these exercises of self hatred. This endless loop in which I time and again find myself languishing has left me toxic. I am not just in a hole; I am the darkest earth passed through the guts of worms. Decaying waste that, unlike other fertile organic matter, causes life to wither at my touch.
I haven’t lost my light. I have consciously metamorphosed into a contagious darkness. My words have no greater meaning than the piercing whine of trapped air slowly released from a child’s balloon.